New Bullshit Kit Kats Review

I'm currently chowing down on one of the last Kit Kat Cookies n Cream in Australia. Well, they're still around in limited numbers, but there are to be no more produced, since Nestlé's new 'Kit Kat Chunky 3' campaign has eclipsed the old 'Chunky' market. The new Kit Kat Chunky 3 is an Australian creation consisting of 3 segments of fudge, crisp, and sauce.

The new 'Chunky 3' Bar

I was baffled, as I thought that we were getting one new flavour, not 3 new bars. Let me elaborate - as of May 30th, 2011, the only Kit Kat Chunky sold in Australia will be the delicious original. The Cookies n Cream and Caramel varieties are no longer available in their entirety, but now are available (along with a new double 'Chocolate' flavor) as bars segmented into three pieces - each with it's own 'texture'. Sounds very exciting, hmm? I'm undecided how I feel about it. When I saw them in Coles I think I was in shock, so I bought 2 of each new varieties, and the testing began.

From the top, Chunk 3 Caramel, Cookies n Cream, Chocolate

Kit Kat Chocolate
Discontionued in 2008, Kit Kat produced a chunky variety called Chocolate Overload. These pieces are essentially a variation on that flavor. The first segment is the 'fudge', which is a little misleading. It has the same texture and consistancy that the Cookies n Cream bar used to have throughout. It's okay. Nothing special, and very chocolatey. The second is the crisp, which is also okay, and the last is the sauce. The sauce tastes like Ice Magic or whatever it's called in this country - artificial flavoured ice cream topping. It's bizarre, and very sweet, though I guess it wouldn't be a problem if that's what you were after. Cameron tried one yesterday and declared it was "excellent". This is the only new variety that didn't replace the previous ones (which were impeccable). It is Kit Kat, and the chocolate is pretty good, but I can't get my head around this 3 Textures bullshit.

The 'sauce' third segment. Not so saucy after all.

Kit Kat Caramel
The Kit Kat Caramel original bar came around in October 2008, and was with us until just last week. It was excellent - a typical Kit Kat slathered in delicious caramel lashes. So good. The new bar is, again, very strange. It retains the great original design with it's 'Sauce' segment, so it's not a total loss. The middle segment is crisp, sort of like a hardened Violet Crumble, but with more caramel flavouring. The last segment is the fudge, which is strange. It's almost like the old Kit Kat Cookie Dough (!) but the flavour is a vey sweet caramel. Thom tried this one and said it was pretty good, but in my opinion it's inferior to the old design, which was flawless. Seriously, how could you do wrong? Who doesn't find chocolate and caramel interesting? Why over complicate it with these bullshit 3 textures?

Could have had Cookie Dough. But we ended up with this.

 Kit Kat Cookies n Cream
With the death of Cookie Dough (some bastard found plastic in it or something), we managed to gain Cookies n Cream, which was a pretty good follow up. Now it's been taken awaaaaaaaaay from us and we've got this new one. It's bad because it's taken away what wasn't broken. The 'fudge' bit is the original great recipe they had, the 'crisp' is stupid (similar in texture to the 'Top Deck' Cadbry chocolate) and the sauce just doesn't taste like Cookies n Cream. Nick himself commented that 'it was a party'. Although I can't really argue with Nicholas, I can say that I'm not at all satisfied with the destruction of this perfect bar and having it replaced with another 2 variations.

The crisp bit looks like the original, but is...crunchy.

So there you have it. The new Kit Kat bars, and how I review and feel about them. Everyone else seems to love them. I would quite like them, but I loathe them because they've taken what wasn't broken and tried to make it even better. And they've fundamentally failed. Fuck. The Kit Kat Caramel and Cookies n Cream were perfect, and now you have to essentially eat 3 chocolate bars at the same time. What the FUCK! I thought we were getting ONE new 'fun' bar, but our old bars have now been phased out. I don't know what the appeal Nestlé is trying to make with these bars - that chocolate can be fun?! Because we already knew that when you perfected it with Cookie Dough.

Utterly bizarre. Not satisfied. My Kit Kat consumption will be limited from now on.

ETA (1/6/11): Just in, the new ad campaign sucks too!